Coffee cup Confessions

Right now, my time is divided into several different sections. Work, school, personal, and social(?!). And to be honest with you, it's really different when you try and balance these with a brain and a pair of hands. There are so many things I'd like to engage in while I still have my youth, but... I dunno. If not time, then finances is my biggest issue. Welcome to the wacky and cruel world of adulthood. Sunny days don't come out that often in this phase.

So here I am, entering into rantville trying to vent all my frustrations on a webpage that probably won't fight back. If it did, then I might just go out and buy a punching bag. Being a working student is quite tiresome. Three big questions pop into my head when my day starts at 3:30 in the morning: one, will I be able to meet my quota for work? Two, hmm...it's (take your pick between Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday), what am I supposed to be doing/submitting/having later? And three: Do I still have enough time to save the world and get enough bedrest? Even if I have enough money to buy myself a gundam model kit, it would be just sitting on my desk because I don't have enough time to do it. I admit, burning time is and will be a luxury to me for the coming weeks. Yup, I'm that boring. And I hate it.

I'm still grateful that majority of my schedule has Saturdays and Sundays off the phone. Still, I have things to attend to, like schoolworks or visiting my grandfather. Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays are reserved for my girlfriend. And before I can finally rest, it's already Sunday evening. Tomorrow's itinerary follows and I'll be more or less stuck in a rut. It somehow gets into me at times, but I never really tried to pay attention until now.

The only remaining time I have left for myself would be me...playing for one hour of Oblivion (the game, not the noun), or browsing my webpages, hoping something new would happen to it (to which there is a 95% probability that it won't), or watching a television show (I, surprisingly don't watch cartoons that much anymore).

Yeah, I think I live a crazy life, meeting targets, acheiving the grades, and saving myself from turning myself into a zombie. Some people may think I'm a workaholic. I will admit that I am, but it's because I don't have any much of a choice (I'm lazier than a sloth to be honest with you).

Now if you're asking...how am I able to keep my sanity at bay with all this running in my head? Simple. I don't (yes, I'm crazy). I make sure that all my itineraries are met in the soonest time possible (?!), make sure that I've got nothing to worry when it comes to school, and I keep a headcount of the people I need to acknowledge for the day (Parents, boss, girlfriend, etc). Only then can I be able to sleep well (and by that it may take around... 4-5 hours).

It's a tough job this is, to be frank with you. But I couldn't care less because I wanted to prove myself of my worth. I know there's no such thing as limitation to a human being's will, unless something comes up and breaks it in one shot. And true enough that I may always look stressed because I need to save the world from rabid aussies or what-have-you. But at least if I don't have the time, I try my best to make some. If not for myself, but to other people as well.

The Gundam Treaty

I remember the first time I asked mom if I could go back to school.

Yes, I visited her at the office on her birthday. I thought it was somewhat sweet that their "prodigal son" came to his senses to go back and finish college. Which was appropriate, because work is becoming so...routinely (?! Yep, I complain, but I still go for it). I was declined of that offer because she didn't like the idea of me going on full-time and her paying whatever expenses I may occur. I couldn't blame her. After all, the term prodigal is more of an understatement because I was jumping from one school to another. And since I was considered a tax-payer of this country, it was time for me to pay for my own dues. Frankly it was hard, because at that time my pay wasn't able to keep up with my current lifestyle (which 40% of it was alloted to food. alone.)

At about the end of 2008, I asked the very same thing. Only that I would give a chunk of my pay to her every two weeks. It was a big decision for me to do, because I was already thinking of the workload I'm going to have. And I wasn't talking about my new employer. I was talking about school, since Arts Management is technical in a way that students are not just taught to familiarize in the industry of Intellectual Property but also on the way the terms and conditions that composes it. By that, I meant lots of books to read (not to mention that I may need to go out of the new college library because the subject is somewhat not-your-ordinary-undergraduate course aka unpopular).

I went back to school during the first month of the year and to be honest with you, I was somewhat scared. Scared, because that "black sheep" side of me was only sleeping and not gone and it might possess me again. It's a sad sickness, true...but my determination at work proved me that I can overcome the monster in me (it has katamaran1 and kalokohan2 as it's usual names. My version of Mr. Hyde). Then it hit me: I need to divert these feelings for me to get along with my academics and work so I can survive.

My loving cha-ness, despite her daily dose of insanities, gave me an irrefuseable offer: stay in school, study and work hard enough and if I hit my scores right She will buy me a gundam model kit (for those who don't know, gundam is considered to be a long series of cartoons involving titan-like robots called mobile suits. Gundam is considered to be its top gun of it all).

The model kit involves a lot of work. The first time I opened a kit (I was around 15-16 at that time), I assumed that it's like any regular toy that you can play as soon as you open the plastic covering. I was wrong. There were numerous plastic parts that was contained in a box, and a manual. I had to build it on my own-- which never was a problem since I considered it as a challenge. in a few hours of clicking and clacking, I was able to build one. It required great attention to detail. For those who want to use their spatial reasoning skills, I recommend you to build one.

Going back...Thus we agreed the "Gundam" treaty. It's main objective is for me to excel in my academics, in turn I can get to choose and keep a model kit of my choice. I have to admit, I do admire her enthusiasm for me to excel. All I need to do to earn my keep is to study hard. She was doing her psycho--mancy with this "rewards" incentive drive towards me (not that I mind, but it was indeed a challenge I can well achieve). The only drawback in this, is that if i fail, I will buy her whatever she likes. (if i can still all that she desires, I'd say I shouldn't fail at all, otherwise I'd be working for her for the rest of my life ^^,).

It's a win-win situation that she gave me. an irrefuseable offer that only requires me to study. No harm in that at all. And I'm challenged to the core.

**We haven't placed this treaty in writing at the moment, but as soon as everything has been finalized, it will be official.

 

1 katamaran - laziness or sloth

2 kalokohan - foolishness

I'm back in school.

Yes, After a couple more years on hiatus, soulsearching, and watching sunsets and sunrises I'm back in school. Whoopee. Back to my geeky self (come to think of it...since when was I not geeky? ^^,). Get ready world. I'm back. ^^,

Work? Not much to say with it actually. But as long as I go to work promptly, no absences nor lates, I'll be fine ^^, I think it may work to my advantage, to be honest ^^,

But now's a different setting. My mom agreed (finally) to send me back to school under some conditions (made by me) to chip in with the tuition fee. Which was fine by me (?!). I guess there'll be a few changes in my "call-center-slave" lifestyle (which is not much...because it only composes of huge amounts of being in suspended animation, err hibernation, err sleep). The only downside of this little upgrade (if you can call it an upgrade), is that school requires me to be online at least once a day. It has been my trend that I go online whenever I feel like it (which is like...I dunno...once or twice in three weeks?)

Plus, I've already gained a new geeky hobby. Collecting Gundams. yup, I do have to admit that little anime kid in me who wanted to ride inside the Voltes V cockpit is still here. I was willing to pay a few hundred pesos (hundred?!) to deflect the stress i'm gaining from work. What was interesting was that my girlfriend and I are working on a "gundam treaty"-- an agreement that lets me get what I want, and get interestingly high grades. Oh yeah, woman. Bring it on ^^,

*sighs* I wonder what's in store for me in school? I guess there's only one way to find out.

My dad once told me that people are all the same--that they're all wearing a different face. I never believed him at first because of the fact that my hormones are raging like waterfall.

Now you might be asking why am I stating this on my blog... Y'see at that time, I was on my Nth time to transfer to a different school. Some people might've branded me as a U-hopper by now (university/college hopper)... but to be honest, I never really knew what I wanted to do in my life during those times. I'd say I was once as a very emotional person, whose judgements are clouded by those devastating break-ups and busts (multiple basted-ness). All I needed was a niche; a spot in this world where I can co-exist with other people.

I guess that's the reason why I stayed in this "twisted" realm of the call center industry... APAC specifically. I dunno. I guess I've shared my part of tears and laughs simply because that company gave me a different manner of "importance" in the duration of my stay. With my girlfriend's help, she taught me how to pick the right people where to bank my emotions with (it even got me into trouble with her specifically ^^,). With my teammates, though it appeared that their youth has gotten the best of them, they shared their life with me-- even when I never asked them to. My superiors were, if not supportive, trust me with my judgements.

I chose APAC for two specific reasons: I wanted to work in low-profile company where I can revert my once-inhuman ways, and be productive at once. The outcome on that specific reason was quite positive: was close to being a Team Lead, and good enough to be considered as a subject matter trainer. A team leader told me once: with my stats, I could have a future with APAC. And I could've

The second reason was for me to go back to school. I have to admit, even if I opened and closed the "shop", it won't be enough to send me to school. That's why I'm gunning to get promoted the soonest time possible. And I emphasize the word soonest. Unfortunately, that didn't go too well with me. So last August 11, 2008, I took off my headset, packed my stuff, and left.

It was the saddest thing to leave someone I can call my family. But then, like what I tell most of my colleagues. I have a schedule to meet.

Now with a new company that offered me a considerably higher compensation benefit, a preferred shift schedule to make me one with this timezone (and no, I'm not talking about the video arcade), and an account that hopefully won't get me too stressed, I'm afraid...

I don't exactly know what kind of strategy I should make to survive. And how about my dreams of getting my degree. Heck I don't even know whether I need to make another hope to an institution near to the office to get by...

And then dad's advice rang in my head.

I hope his advice will still works on this phase...

There were many a time that I wished my life could've been like that of a comic book (fine, maybe an anime episode your younger cousins or little goblins and gremlins for brothers and sisters would be a better definition). This pop philosophy may be true since we're all been drawn and plotted by the mystical, magical destiny-based pencilist, inker, writer (and the list goes on...)- yes bigger than Stan Lee himself. I have lived almost like a good samaritan-- almost, because I'm neither heavenly nor hellish. I just do what I can to make sure I could get a good seat in watching this world of ours change.

To tell you honestly, my story right now has seven chapters already, and he never gave up writing it for me. For whatever reason? I'll just leave it up to him.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this blog right now. Surely most of my closest friends know my usual, yet unlikely dilemma. I'm currently working in one of the bedrock call center companies in Manila. Bedrock, simply because it sucks (when you get overworked and underpaid, you'd know the feeling).

It's a grueling routine that can be compared to going to the gym to look for introspective physical pain: You try... scratch that. you desperately try to sleep in the morning, while the summer heat wave burns you inside-out, you wake up when the whole world (or majority of  Metro Manila to be specific). You put your headset, assist your callers (sometimes kiss their sorry old asses to please them), as well as meet your dominators for supervisors (thank god mine isn't), and comply with the company's expectations.

I try not to ask myself, why am I selling myself short for these sons-of-bitches (my girlfriend even noticed it, which at times become one of the reasons for our little cat-fights). But now I'm gonna answer it.

It's my form of punishment for myself. Yes, this huge chunk of flesh is a masochist of some sort. I punish myself for not being too responsible for my actions. I have been laxed and complacent with my one priority. And yes, I'm guilty for burning my parent's bank account because of it. Because I myself was an asshole.

I've had my time and moment speaking with my loving partner and my concerned mother. Things needed to change. A little sacrifice on your usual activities won't sting if you think about it.

...

I bathed in fire, got burned, and now this opportunity was again given to me.
To tell you honestly, I don't know how to react to this-- of course I'd love to study. But I'm just afraid to make the same mistakes again.

But I guess there's only one way to find out, right?

to be continued...

I-pod Nano at 3k? Not bad. I have to wait until Christmas though.

*sighs* I have to get the whole "thinking too much" program deleted. It's just as irritating as it is stressful.

I have to get myself a new monitor so I could put our PC in very good use. Seriously, I need a life out of reality. With music, of course. (and just what were you thinking?)

Company PCs suck. really.

I need to go out, but if I go out it'll cost me money. Hmm...what a dilemma I have.

*sighs* Oh well.

 

It's been a while since I last posted something over livejournal. To tell you honestly, I feel like I've got tons to say. But I don't know where to start. But anyway... here goes nothing.

I seriously need to get paid!

Fine. I've been playing Ran online(again) for the past few days. I have a team where I know I can be comfortable with. I have a job that, though it sounds like it rains with calls, it would still be petix. But I seriously need to get paid. I don't care if my pay consists of a week's worth of work. I need to upgrade my gear (the kind I can definitely wear outside and be recognized as a normal individual.


I seriously need to get a life


Alcohol weekends at Silang, Cavite. Ran online sessions. Window shopping. Dreaming for my next mobile phone. Chatting(?!). This is not what I mean of life.



That's all for now.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.